Dear me

Mama knows best ..

.. when times get hard 

Sitting in my room in college feeling only slightly sorry for myself. I can’t wait for the day I outgrow my teenage insecurities, I hope all they are are teenage insecurities. I feel sad for not having someone love me, in a way they love no others. Yet when I feel this way, and compare myself to the girls I see being appreciated, I wonder why I feel sad. As if someone would fall for a moan, a droan, a depressor. The beatings I give myself don’t spread to every facet of my life, for instance I’m sure someone could find me charming when I’m in the comfort of my friends. The problem is, not only am I rarely out of the comfort of my friends, i.e. around potential suitors, but when I am, I’m the unbelievably  awkward girl, not necessarily always in the corner. Which is an insecurity, and hence I am trapped by them. What’s more, as teenage as it hopefully is, I can’t help but feel if only I shed some weight, maybe I’d be more appealing. Lazy bitch inside me doesn’t really plan on letting that happen. Dreamer inside me says, a painful Summer of exercise and cutting out of shite foods would have me looking well, the life I’d have after would make up for the lousy Summer. .. ah jazsus

..And papa always has a joke, to make me lauggh

Go on home

Your daddy is a liar ..

On beginning this blog I had nice intentions of actually being informative and making sense, however on listening to Your Daddy, music is now filling the space in my head that sense once resided in. College is grand, still pissing on by with a minimum of effort and a shit load of illness. Thank god my illness is limited to colds I suppose. Not being grateful and not putting one ounce of effort in to anything is becoming quite a tiring task. It’s not that I’m not grateful per se, it’s just that I have an awful habit of feeling sorry for myself, I get any cold going - boo hoo, I don’t have a job - boo hoo, I can’t find a boy - boo hoo, I can’t drive - boo hoo, and so on. Naturally there are easy solutions to all, stick to vitamins religiously, had out cvs religiously, stop moaning, learn, and so on. One road block though, I am a lazy ass fucker.Also, religion - who needs it. I need to find something which gives me what I can no longer turn to religion for. I had peace, faith and clarity. I’d love some peace, faith and clarity. Meditation any one? Not that I’ll see you there, my lazy butt will remain here, on this couch, eating food I can’t taste, adding to fat I can feel.

One step closer to walking out the door.

Don’t put your trust in walls ..

Starting college sooneo , all the stress over studying and not studying paid off in ways as I got my first choice. I am college bound and nervous as shit, haven’t a fecking clue what life has in store but I can only hope I love my course (/picked the right one), like my housemates (watching too much bb maybe), make friends and crawl my way to campus easy enough for my days of study. Not much to ask. But jeezeus am I nervous , and I’ve still got a week and abit of confusion before I can dive right into it. Pondering things and anticipating things always makes them harder, and I’ve never been one for waiting. That said, I’ve waited a long time for a tattoo and may have the balls to go get one on Tuesday, but who knows really :/ Argh, wish they would just do it in my sleep, but sure if you don’t work for it you don’t deserve it, and I really need to start deserving some of the things in my life.

‘Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Tonight we’re taking over

No one’s getting out

I seem to follow some depressing fuckers on this, wonder how I only just noticed! Don’t take a lazy attitude towards life folks, get up and take responsibility for it and stop depressing the world and pretending like it’s just the cards you were dealt. Cheer up love and all that jazz. Spread the smiles and stop relating to the sads.

This place about to blow,

Blow

And who do you think you are

Running ‘round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

Its  7 past three o clock in Lithuania and I’m not there. Kristina’s grandad passes away on Monday and no-one is there for her. I became stranded in Ireland til Summer’s end, and she lost her first grandparent. Life gets in the way of plans sometimes, but ultimately it comes down to poor her, with grieving family all around sometimes you just need a friend. Fortunately she’s another week and a half left in Lithuania which she can spend with her granny, it’ll be good for them both. I now find myself with a minimum of 400euro more than I thought, and depending on how good my insurance co. is that could turn to 600. Guess Ill drown my sorrows in hair dye and clothes. Pity the folks are fecking off across country, alcohol could have caem in handy but now I’m house sitting. House sitting in the country is just not fun. More stress and less success.

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are

Well no one told me about her,

the way she lied …

So Harry Potter was simply the best one so far, typical. If it weren’t for my ever tightening pockets I’d even go see it again, and again, and possibly once more for luck. Unfortunately life has put me in the predicament whereby money dictates my day, ie I spend my day doing nothing because I’ve no money to spend. In other news I get to head out tonight for possibly me last time until the dreaded results. And my provisional licence just arrived, need me some insurance and a better memory and I’m away! Maybe today won’t be so bad after all!

Well no one told me about her, how many people cried